


what is this feeling?

by ioucos



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: F/F, Post-Rebellion Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 17:31:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14919794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ioucos/pseuds/ioucos
Summary: Four times Miki Sayaka said she hated Akemi Homura, and one time she didn’t.A romance in five years.





	what is this feeling?

_1._

She didn’t know what inside her made her want to do it, but Sayaka had taken to watching the weird student in their class after Madoka had come back from America. It was the strangest urge. Something inside her _begged_ for her to realize there was something wrong with Akemi Homura, and while she didn’t know what it was specifically, there wasn’t any harm in trying to figure it out.

It started with just a couple glances at the girl during class, when she had to pass papers backwards, and the like. Something just wasn’t right about the way the girl conducted herself, and Sayaka was _amazed_ nobody else saw it. The way she boredly leaned on her desk like she didn’t give a shit about school, the way she never seemed to do any of the classwork (Sayaka saw all of the worksheets were blank when she was leaving class one day) but apparently had a near-perfect grade… something was up.

She’d asked Madoka if she knew anything about the girl, and she said that she had taken her for a tour of the school on her first day back — but wait that didn’t make any sense did it she had been here longer than Madoka why was she asking _her_ — but that was about all of the information anyone ever had on Akemi Homura. It was as if she were a shadow in the lives of those at Mitakihara Middle School, ever-present, but never noticed.

Sayaka thought she must have been going insane by this point. Why did nobody else see there was something off about Akemi? Why did she always seem to _linger_ around her friend group just a second too long. _Why did the crows have her eyes?_

No, no. That was absurd, surely. Sayaka hadn’t been getting enough sleep lately, that much was clear.

But still. She couldn’t shake the feeling off, no matter how hard she tried. She didn’t know how much Madoka saw of her… observance of Akemi, but she doubted the pinkette thought it was healthy. Try as she might, Sayaka couldn’t pinpoint just what it was that made her so _angry_ when she thought of the girl. It was absolutely infuriating. Every time she went to go confront Akemi across the classroom, something came up to prevent her. Saotome-sensei needing something from her, the bell ringing, _Madoka_ …

Akemi sure was lucky.

The impossibility of reaching her paired with the intensity of that sourceless anger drove Sayaka to one conclusion.

She hated Akemi Homura.

~

_2._

A full year had come and gone and Sayaka still did not understand what the matter was with Akemi Homura.

Since she’d had no luck confronting her in the classroom, Sayaka had taken to following Akemi around, trying to piece together from the way the girl acted what was wrong with her. After-school Homura was… mystifying, to be honest. Every single day, she just headed straight to the park, and sat there in the grass, staring up at the sky, until Sayaka decided staying any longer was pointless and left. There was nothing else to it, really.

She assumed that Akemi _eventually_ went home — she only really stayed around, hidden, for an hour or two at most — but she’d never seen it actually occur. It was more than weird. It was definitely creepy.

Yeah. Creepy. That was a word that fit Akemi Homura just as much as _wrong_ did in Sayaka’s mind. That girl, with her constant bored expression and that earring that glinted even when there was no sunlight. She didn’t know what to _do_ about the situation anymore. 

And then, one day, Akemi paused on the way to the park. It was absolutely pouring down rain that day, so much so that Sayaka was astounded Akemi was even bothering to go. While she had an umbrella (and a weird, somewhat fancy one at that), Sayaka did not, and that made things a bit troublesome. Well, agonizing was the better word. When the girl froze, Sayaka had only a few seconds to react, scrambling for a tree to hide behind.

“Miki Sayaka,” Akemi said. “Surely, if you’re going to follow me wherever I go, you could at least do yourself a favor and prepare for the elements.”

A chill ran down Sayaka’s spine. This was the first time she’d spoken to her that Sayaka could remember. This was the first time she’d spoken in _months_ , actually. Akemi turned around, staring at her. There was silence for a full minute.

Then, she tilted her head toward her umbrella. “Well?”

_Oh._

She wanted Sayaka to get under the umbrella. Sayaka wasn’t quite sure _how_ to react to that. She just stood there, frozen, for a little while, before slowly walking from under the tree to beneath Akemi’s umbrella.

“T-thanks,” Sayaka muttered. There was no response.

The two of them walked the rest of the way to the park, and Akemi just… stood there. She blinked several times, as if clearing something in her mind, and slowly pressed the umbrella into Sayaka’s hands. _Her hands are really soft,_ Sayaka’s mind already registered. _Wait, wait. No. Nooope. Not gonna happen. Akemi is creepy as hell._

Sayaka was startled back into reality with a jolt. Akemi was looking at her curiously. Like a predator looks at prey, maybe? No, as if she were looking for something. Sayaka fidgeted.

“Um… is there any reason why you gave me th…”

She trailed off under the intense gaze. The girl took a step toward Sayaka, as if in a trance.

“Surely, you don’t remember anything, do you?”

Sayaka froze. What?

“W-what do you mean? Remember what?”

Akemi blinked. “No. Never mind.”

_Holy shit._

This was exactly what she was looking for, wasn’t it? The reason she had started following this girl around after school. She had to act, fast.

“N-no. What were you going to say?”

There was no visible reaction from Akemi at first. But then, the girl looked away.

“No, no. My apologies, Miki Sayaka. I must have been thinking of someone else. Someone who looked… similar to you.”

Weird-as-fuck as it was, Sayaka knew a lie when she saw one. She put on a bold face.

“Really. What’s up, Akemi?”

There was no response. Sayaka leaned over to try and get a better sight of the other girl’s face, but she quickly jerked away in response. Akemi Homura uttered but a word under her breath.

“Go.”

Sayaka turned to look at her face.

There was a madness in Akemi Homura’s eyes, something barely-stable and about to break. Something _burning_ there, something not quite right. The bags under Akemi’s eyes seemed even more pronounced than usual — wait, _had_ Sayaka noticed them before? In response, Akemi hissed, spinning around to face Sayaka head-on.

“Miki Sayaka…”

Sayaka tried to keep hold of any vestiges of her bravery she had left. Laugh it off, maybe.

“Y-you sure are weird, transfer student.”

Akemi’s eyes widened.

_Wait._

Everything came back at once, like Sayaka’s mind had been branded with a hot iron. She crumpled to the floor immediately, vision fading rapidly.

The last thing she saw was the devil herself, standing right where she had been just seconds prior.

“I fucking hate you, Akemi Homura.”

She blacked out.

~

_3._

The following year had been hell.

Sayaka had woken up the night she first remembered in her own bed, a single black feather on her nightstand, as if it were _mocking_ her.

Everything made sense now. The earring, the crows, even the bored disposition of Akemi Homura.

But nobody had believed her.

Madoka just smiled awkwardly after Sayaka explained the entire story to her and commented that it sure was an interesting dream. Kyousuke and Hitomi… they looked concerned.

Nobody would… believe her.

And on top of that, Homura had seemingly vanished. Just when Sayaka had walked in that morning, fully prepared to attack the girl in class, she was nowhere to be found. And Sayaka hadn’t seen her since.

She’d had to live with the knowledge, alone, for an entire _year_. If she ever saw the devil again, she’d _strangle_ her for all the stress that had put on her.

Miki Sayaka wished she could’ve forgotten what she had remembered. But she couldn’t, and now, for some strange reason, she was _lonely_. Even if she hated Akemi Homura for the crimes she had committed against the Law of the Cycle, she was the only person left on the planet that could understand.

But now she was gone. Slowly, Sayaka lost hope of ever seeing her again. Well, hope wasn’t exactly the right word.

It was a few days after her fifteenth birthday that she saw Akemi Homura again.

It was an overcast day, gray and muggy. Sayaka had been walking down the street when she spotted her, just up ahead, walking toward her. Both their eyes widened, but Homura took the initiative, spinning around on the balls of her feet and walking away in the opposite direction.

Sayaka gave chase.

“W-wait!!”

Homura only moved faster at her words. She panted trying to keep up with the other girl’s long strides. Was it Sayaka, or had Homura grown a lot taller than when she’d last seen her? They’d both gotten older, she supposed. Sayaka didn’t know why that seemed as baffling to her as it did.

“Homura!”

Homura abruptly froze. Sayaka nearly ran into her, but stopped at the last second. The demon did not turn to face her.

“What do you _want_ , Miki Sayaka. Here to hit me? Scream at me? Tear me limb from limb, all the while deriding the _foolishness_ of the things I have committed? The evil? The _audacity_?”

Taking in a deep breath that was surprisingly shaky even to Sayaka, Homura turned around. The deadness in her eyes was what immediately struck Sayaka. She realized she wouldn’t get any satisfaction out of punching her, or screaming, or demanding an explanation. This was a broken girl. Was there anything of her _left_ to hate? All of the aggression suddenly faded, and Sayaka was left gaping at the other girl.

“Well?”

Sayaka sighed, deflating.

“Are you okay, transfer student?”

Homura looked taken aback by the question. Sayaka took a little — just a little — satisfaction in being able to surprise the girl. She looked at Sayaka, then at her shoes, and then off into the distance.

“You needn’t concern yourself, Miki Sayaka. You should go. We weren’t supposed to meet again. Go, and live your life free of the curse of magical girls.”

Sayaka didn’t budge.

“No. I’ve had a _year_ to think about this alone, Homura. You’re not okay. You don’t look like the triumphant devil you _should_ be.”

Homura snorted. “Come to try and restore the world again? To restart the cycle anew?”

In response, Sayaka shook her head. She grabbed Homura’s hand. The girl practically jumped a mile into the air at the sudden contact. How long had it been since Homura had last touched another person?

“You’re not okay.”

Homura didn’t say a word. At last, Sayaka sighed.

“Want to stay the night with me? You look lonely.”

“Aren’t you?”

“… Yeah.”

Pulling Homura along, Sayaka turned in the direction of her family’s apartment. She mused as they walked.

“You’re always running away from your problems, you know?”

No response.

“It’s a little infuriating, y’know?”

Nothing.

“Makes me hate you.”

Homura hadn’t sounded more tired in that moment.

“Why are you doing this, Miki Sayaka?”

She smiled in response.

“Because that doesn’t mean we don’t need each other.”

~

_4._

Another year came and went, this one significantly less lonely than the last.

Akemi Homura came back to school the day after their little sleepover. It wasn’t as if anyone _noticed_ , though. As it turned out, the only person that had actually realized Homura had been gone was Sayaka herself, ironically.

Homura had looked so haunted that night that Sayaka decided to stick around her as much as possible — for her _own_ good as well as Homura’s. It hurt a little when Madoka started to gradually fade out of her life in favor of Hitomi and some other new kids she’d never met before, who’d taken to helping her with her Japanese, but staying with Homura made it subside. Her childhood friend seemed a little happier like that.

She and Homura, on the other hand, were far from happy.

They alone knew the truth about what had happened in the world, and at this point, Sayaka couldn’t bring herself to try and restore the old world anymore. It just wasn’t worth it. Maybe the devil’s words had seduced her, maybe they were actually true — Sayaka didn’t know.

What she did know was that, in a lot of ways, the way they were living now, while woefully imperfect, wasn’t really all that bad.

The two of them grew a lot closer over the year. As it turned out, when they weren’t at each other’s throats, they did have quite a bit in common.

They stayed the night at each other’s places rather often — her parents no longer raised an eyebrow when the strange girl with the long, dark hair they’d never seen Sayaka with prior showed up at their door after school, a strained smile on her face.

As the only two people to remember the past, they were similarly the only two to have to _relive_ it. Sayaka couldn’t remember how many times she’d had to reassure a shaking Homura muttering “sorry” over and over again at one in the morning that _everything is alright, I forgive you, we’re here together_. And on her end, she no longer longed for the days when she was part of a law of reality. The searing and the burning was nestled firmly in her mind.

And yet Akemi Homura’s touch seemed to drive it away.

“I’m sorry,” she said to Sayaka one night, after the blue-haired girl had woken in a sweat, “that you have to experience these things. I don’t understand why you never tried to make me reverse everything.”

Still shaking, Sayaka gave her a weak smile. “There aren’t any magical girls here. Everyone’s a little happier.”

“Except for us.”

“It’s a… worthwhile sacrifice.”

Homura grinned wryly. “Ever the martyr, Sayaka.”

Sayaka laughed. “You know it!”

“So brave of you.” She was only half-joking there. Sayaka’s smile brightened immediately. She took hold of Homura’s hand and just held it. Content, Homura let out a little mix of a sigh and a yawn that Sayaka fawned over internally. _Y’know, when she’s not all guarded like usual, she’s actually kinda adorable._

Nightmares forgotten, they just lay there, together.

When the morning came, Homura wasn’t as relaxed. “Sayaka. Wake up. We have school.”

Sayaka groaned groggily, trying to pull her blanket further over her head. “Don’t wanna.”

“Sayaka.”

“Homuraaaa…” she whined. Homura suddenly (but gently) grabbed Sayaka’s arm, pulling her up.

“We have to go to school, Sayaka,” she repeated.

“Urgh. I hate you.”

Homura rolled her eyes. “No, you don’t. Come on. I’ll make you breakfast if we have time.”

That got her up quickly.

~

The second year of friendship went by so much faster than the first, it seemed. Sure, neither of them had Madoka around anymore (honestly, not even Homura knew where she had _gone_ — they were in different classes now), but they had each other, and the bizarre smattering of former friends around the city that had washed up. The bizarre Sakura Kyoko and the dependable-but-lonely Tomoe Mami, back again. It was an odd friend group, sure, but they all enjoyed each other’s company, and Sayaka and Homura knew what could have been.

But even with their newly-enlarged friend group, sometimes Sayaka wanted to just hang out with Homura. Have a sleepover together, like they had used to do back when the memories were too much for the two of them to bear individually.

That’s what had led them to go out for a picnic one bright afternoon on break from school, the sky clear and blue and the grass green and inviting. Homura was _surprisingly_ bad at cooking, so they had resorted to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches — an old classic, to be sure.

“You know,” Homura said, “I never exactly imagined, throughout all of the timelines and everything that happened, that I would ever end up with _you_ as my best friend.”

Sayaka smacked her on the arm playfully. “Hey! I’m wonderful to be around and you know it!”

Homura rolled her eyes. “It’s true.” Sayaka’s smile in response made the admission more than worth it.

A peaceful quiet followed.

“Thank you, though.”

Sayaka raised an eyebrow. “What for?”

“For making me realize that I don’t need Madoka to survive, and for staying around even despite how… difficult I can be.”

“You did the same for me. We can both be…”

“Unreasonably stubborn?”

“Yeah.”

They both laughed. There was another tranquil silence for a bit as the two of them listened to the wind blowing through the trees. Sayaka couldn’t help but turn to look at her friend. She was just so _pretty_ , it wasn’t fair. Her silky, dark hair, her piercing violet eyes… Sayaka was blushing.

Homura looked at her through the corners of her vision.

“You’re staring.”

“I…” She might as well go for it. “I couldn’t help it, y’know? You’re just so _pretty_ , Homura-chan~”

Homura was unfazed. _Damn._

“You’re aren’t exactly unpleasant to look at, yourself.”

“That was an awful compliment.”

Homura smiled wryly. “I know.”

Sayaka held her hand to her heart dramatically. “I can’t believe my wife would betray me like this!”

“Wife?”

“Do you not want to be?”

Homura snorted. “I didn’t say that. But…”

All of the air left Sayaka’s lungs when Homura suddenly scooted over to her on the picnic blanket, grinning.

“Maybe we should try dating first.”

Sayaka stared into the violet pools of Homura’s eyes for a grand total of a second and a half before she threw her lips onto Homura’s. The other girl startled, like she hadn’t expected such a response, before relaxing, and kissing back.

It was absolute _heaven_. Homura’s lips were so soft.

They finally separated, gasping for breath and with smiles seemingly-permanently affixed to their faces.

“You know, transfer student,” Sayaka began, teasingly. “I think that maybe, just maybe, I don’t hate you after all.”

Homura rolled her eyes. “ _Miki_ Sayaka, let’s not kid ourselves. I love you.”

_Oh. Damn._

She hadn’t expected that. Sayaka went bright red for the second time.

“I… uh… I love you too!”

Smiling, Homura tangled her hands in Sayaka’s hair, pulling her in close. “Glad to hear it.”

They kissed again, every second a pulsing wave of love that seemed to keep the memories of the past away. It was true.

She loved Akemi Homura.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to nozoomie for betaing this fic and helping with the title! couldnt have done it w/o u <3
> 
> and thank U for reading!! i hope u enjoyed, and pls have a nice day


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